When I was young, my parents wanted great things for me. Nothing unusual, all parents want the best for their kids. They probably dreamed of me as a captain of industry, wielding power with justice, gathering glory and wealth with bold deeds and farsighted inventiveness.
I was seduced by the dream. In my youth, I also dreamed of accomplishing great things. I greeted life with a firm grip and a confident smile, a “Captain” of my own destiny.
But, as happens in the real world, my grip on power was not real. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. My life has been and is an amazing series of adventures, moments of great love and almost daily laughter, but the earthshaking decisions that changed my entire world never seemed to be a big deal at the time.
The big decisions seemed smaller than they really were. Should we buy this car? Lets live over there. Could we afford a house? Lets buy a boat! Wanna have a baby? (That one may be an exception).
Lets look at that “BABY” question..
If someone asked you if you would accept the responsibility for a small animal, that would live in your house, eat your food, have medical bills, shed on the couch, demand attention daily and bite the neighbor, Your answer may be entirely different than if someone asked, “Wanna free puppy?”
Now jump to the “baby” question. “Lets have a baby!” takes on a whole new, somewhat sinister meaning. Babies do all the same stuff free puppies do, except they will live with you for a very long time, borrow your car, raise your insurance rates, and then want to go to Harvard. Oh yah, by the time they are 12 or so, they will think you’re old fashioned and not very bright. Just ask them.
If it’s a boy, in the near future your son will ask for BIG BUCKS to rent a limo and tuxedo, buy flowers and a dinner (at a restaurant you can’t afford), all to impress someone else’s daughter (probably a gold digging bimbo). No matter how cute, she clearly will be from a family you do not want to see added to your family’s gene pool. Besides, girls should not distract your son until he is MUCH older and has made his mark in the world!
If it’s a girl, you will be spending the same big bucks to buy a prom dress that covers WAY too little skin, fake nails and hair extensions. You’ll watch as your daughter runs to jump in a limo (with deeply tinted windows-Who knows what can happen!), to go to a restaurant (that you can’t afford) for dinner, accompanied by an 18 year old with a beard darker than yours. At least you THINK he’s 18, you daughter wouldn’t fib about that –would she? Any thought about this guy’s DNA in your family’s gene pool makes your blood run cold.
Besides, boys should not distract your daughter until she is MUCH older and has made her mark in the world!
That’s pretty much the end for you.
There are no really big decisions left for you to make. Either it’s too late; your spouse has “everything under control. Don’t worry dear.”, or the kids have moved back in and you only need follow them around.
Life becomes very personal, sort of like when you were a small child. Can I eat yet? “Don’t eat that, it’s full of polyunsaturated sugar, alcohol, and oxidants, and will make your prostate swell”.
Someone else will make the decisions, and let you know what you are supposed to do.
The issues left for you are the ones no one else cares about; age old questions that appear on every man’s list in some form- stuff like:
Boxers or tighty-whities?
Miller Lite or Bud Lite?
Is Dos Equis really an import?
I think I’ll go with the Packers to win it all this year!
Should the rules of golf be changed to make an O.B. tee shot be treated the same as a lateral water shot? Boy, that’ll speed up the game!
I can’t help but wonder if the President of the United States is in the same boat. (I am fairly sure Bill Clinton is. I also suspect his wife wishes he would just shut the hell up). Scary, huh? Well, maybe he has an aid to help him (I'll bet it's a man!)
At least he has someone to blame.
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